Separation: tips for processing
Divorce, what now?In a divorce people must learn to say goodbye to each other. This applies to both the person who has decided to leave the other person and the partner who is more or less affected by it. With regard to the processing of the divorce, there is a substantial difference in this: the person who made the decision is already a lot further in the process of releasing the other. In the cases of divorce where both partners have decided to leave each other, this process will be the same. In addition, the way one separates is important for the proper processing of a divorce: if the divorce is caused by a third party and this love affair is going to be the ultimate reason for the divorce, there can be more emotional burden on the divorce. divorce. This will create more stress for both partners.
Say goodbyeWhen a partner hears that the other is leaving him or her, a crisis can arise: especially when the situation leads to apathy and persistent depression. What is usually behind this are feelings of fear and abandonment, the unprocessed sadness can lead to depression. Every loss evokes feelings of mourning. How intense this is experienced depends on the importance that someone attaches to the person he or she has lost.
Each divorce process involves two phases:
- In the first phase, the partner must accept that the divorce is a fact: and that it makes no sense to think about how things could or should have been. It is best for the partner to surrender to the feelings of sadness and disappointment, so the grieving process is given room.
- In the second phase, a personality reconstruction must take place. Self-confidence, in particular, has suffered a dent and confidence towards a future partner will have to be built up slowly again.
Problems handling a divorceEmotional problems arise especially when the person leaving is going to make demands:
- "This should never have happened"
- "She must stay with me"
- ' This is not fair '
Only when these thoughts are recognized in time, is it likely that feelings of fear and abandonment will become manageable within an acceptable period.
For proper processing, it is necessary for the partner to recognize that the emotional problems are temporary.
Problems often also arise because people are involved in divorce proceedings quite soon after they leave and can no longer distinguish between the practical and emotional aspects of the divorce.
Example of separation:A couple with two young children. The woman has initiated divorce proceedings for emotional reasons. She is determined because she loves another man. Her husband does not resign herself to wanting to divorce her choice and gets into everything, but really everything. For example, he demands that the children be assigned to him and that he does not pull it financially.
Distinguish between practical and emotional aspectsIf the distinction between practical and emotional aspects of a divorce cannot be made because the partner is completely stuck in his or her emotion, it is advisable to RET therapist to consult.
A RET therapist can have the partner mirrored at this stage with someone who has the same problem and ask him what he would recommend if someone with the same problem came to him for help. As a result, the client learns to distance himself from his own problems, which turns his anger into disappointment and possible acceptance.
Then when the moods are calm, the therapist can look for the irrational ideas that the partner has and then challenge them.
As a result, the emotional problems will be further solved and the partner can devote himself to the practical aspects of the divorce.
Irrational ideas for a divorceBelow you will find the most common irrational ideas in the event of a divorce and also the rational way of thinking (the positive approach)
- I can't live without her, and I'm too old for this kind of situation. → This is a difficult time for me, difficult but not impossible.
- How can she do this to me after all I've done for her? → I have invested a lot in this relationship. I always hoped that we would stay together. Unfortunately it didn't work.
- I am a failure. → In this relationship I have not succeeded in making it something permanent, but that does not make me a failure.
- I will never find someone like her again. → Not a hand full, but a country full. Everyone has mistakes and defects, including them.
- All women are the same, none of them can be trusted. → What I have experienced with this woman does not mean that I will always have to experience that with all other women. I have to be open to any new partners. Maybe I will find one that suits me better.
- It is a shame to divorce. There is nothing worse than having the name separated. → It is possible that some people will drop me because I am divorced. But it is and remains my life. People who really think will respect my decision.
Finally, after the divorcePeople who are divorced usually go looking for a new partner again after a year or two. Problems can arise in this regard. For example, people may be very shocked by the pain they felt during the divorce and no longer dare to start a different relationship. It makes sense to tell these people that they have already experienced it and are still alive. Wanting to have a guarantee that the next relationship will be pain-free is an irrational thought.
Finding a good partner takes time and space and in this context it is easy to compare it with looking for a good candidate for a vacancy, whereby the first one is not hired.